#10

So here i sit, at the breakfast bar in me hotel awaiting pick up to go to work… no, it ain’t the Waldorf or Dorchester… an it definitely ain’t the Hilton…. put it like this, its got ‘Inn’ on the end of it, an I’m watching Jezzer on the Tv, naming and shaming peeps who ain’t looking after their 15 kids, for 15 different mudda’s… anyway…. yep, thats right, I’m having a moment my people… today is the day i should be boarding a flight to Tanzania with my bestie an running up Africa’s tallest free standing mountain innit… nearly 6 thousand meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeters up (thats like 20’000 feet) an not a soul around to hear you larf, cry or even scream…. an bare witness to the fact that he was pushed off the thing when he reached the top, an ‘no’ he didn’t actually fall down it… YES….. you guessed it…. I HAD A PLAN!!!!!!!!! do you think i was embarking on trekking up that mountain and encountering a full 10 days wid him… after having to ‘endure’ 25 years wid him prior….. ARE YOU CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! an all for what? so that we can bond, get to know each other, an discuss his sudden fondness of taking pictures of other people’s shoes (he needs help I tell you)… still, it’s better than his last hobby, he developed a likeness for eating toasted egg and jam sandwiches, with cheese & onion crisps crunched up into small pieces on top… NO THANK YOU……. i’d rather eat my own vomit for lunch and wash it down wid my own ureeeeeeeeeeen, thank you very much…. can you imagine it? NO, not the vomiting and drinking bit… I’m talking about having to be all the way up there with him, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, putting up wid him an him ‘shart man BBC self’…. an especially wid no pigs around to help me dispose of the body… “did you know its take approximately 16 hungry pigs, to consume a 200lb body in 2 hours, especially if you cut it into about 6 pieces first” anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy……. ok, so the long an the short of it is, unless you been living on the moon, or outside the solar system even, you’ll know by now i can’t join my bredrin as he attempts to climb the mountain wid Sarah, Dave & Lisa… an also in case you don’t know, the reason it’s being done is for these charities: Macmillan cancer research, ACLT, Urban Synergy & Rudolph Walker foundation… an just to further inform you, once again incase you didn’t know…. the reason behind all this…. 2007 Edd was diagnosed wid Hodgkins Lymphoma…. after 6 months of chemotherapy and many many MANY treatments, he battled back to full health, an vowed to do all he could to raise the awareness and give something back…. I can’t be there with them, an it pains me to say it, I sooooooooooooooooooooooooo wish I could… but, alas t’was not meant to be…. please pray daily, wish them safe & healthy passage, think of them as they achieve greatness and lastly in their absence please Please PLEASE….. let’s get the total figure raised so far, from £31’000, to its intended target of £40’000… GO TO: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/team/Silimanjaro OR Text: SILI to 70300 to donate £3 SILI to 70500 to donate £5 remember my people, I’ve known him over 25 years an this is the first time since becoming partners, that he’s ever left me for longer than 24hours…. an when he ‘has’ done, he always phones me at nite to tell me he just how much he loves me….. so let me say it loud and proud…

I LUV YOU BRUV!!!!!!!

P.s you too Sarah… p.p.s not forgetting you Dave

p.p.p.s and off course YOUR wife Lisa

Gee Whizz…

#9

Amazingly in the past 25 years, I’ve not only grown from strength to strength.. I’ve learnt how to swim (standard pool width), mastered the art of cooking a full roast dinner (well, the boiling the vegetables) an lastly, i even managed to adapt to an ever changing society and join Facesty Book…. an what may i ask, has mr BBC Nestor done in the past 25 years…. remained the same measly height of 4 foot 3… constantly attempted to drain me of all my artistic talents… an continuously slander my character and good name…. well, ladies and genklemen… we about to celebrate 25 years of working together (‘working together’ is obviously a very loose term) we putting on a show with a fantastic line up of good friends who’ve helped us through our good and bad times in the past years…. even when he cheated on me and went off and got married and had 2 children… I STILL TOOK HIM BACK!!!!!!!

25 years of married to such a beautiful ‘show piece’ an he still can’t smile and give thanks for his blessings eh…. just imagine, I could’ve had my pick back in the day an I picked him…. as my farda used to say “you pick an pick till you pick shi?”…. yes it come in like a proper bloody marriage most of the time, he being the drunken slob of a husband… livIng in the bookie shop an then squandering his lickle winnings in the pub of an evening…. an me being the silent partner, quiet, downtrodden, humble and forever waiting an praying for the day he finds another victim (or police lock him up for being a waste of space and dash away the key) he’s been a weight around my neck like a hangman’s noose that just keeps tightening, regardless of how much i attempt to wriggle free or tek it off…. he’s like a leech, an his lickle bean head is his tentacle wid enough suction to suck up an army of ants outta the ground… so what hope do I have of shaking him off!!!!!!!

Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…… round up all your family and friends and come join us, it’s going to be a night of pure madness and stupidness with the odd bit of sense & sensibility thrown in as well (those will be the bits that I’m obviously NOT in) there’ll be hard larfing, sensational singing and plenty plenty dancing…. JUNE 6th… 25th Anniversary… Camden Centre… 07598 889 199… tickets selling fast… DON’T FORGET TO BRING ME SOMETHING SILVER!!!!! it is our anniversary after all…xXx

Gee Whizz…

#8

My fellow climbers, Mum, Dad, Mothers of my children, Family and Friends…. an to all BookFace peeps and the other aliens out there able to decipher and read this message…. Nanu Nanu….
I BRING YOU NEWS!!!!!!!!!
(drum roll please)
i have a job…… I’ve been offered a role in a brand new 8 part BBC comedy / drama series, scheduled to be aired at 9pm on Saturday nights… we will be filming on location from this coming April until August 2015… an I’m even playing a good guy who doesn’t get killed…”HOORAH HOORAH HOORAH” I hear you all shout…
“he’s finally coming off the dole” says my JSA officer….
the unfortunate thing of course is, this doesn’t enable me to fulfill my quest of reaching the top of Kilimanjaro and looking down upon Mr BBC Nestor himself, an proving to him, I may be big boned, I may even have fat muscles, I may also like a family sized chocolate bar, after a 5 mile run….(low sugar blood count innit)
but I can climb a mountain, an much quicker than Usain Bolt doing the 100m mate..
yep that’s right, the bad news is of course, they won’t allow me time off to do the charity climb of Mount Kilimanjaro (10 days)
so as of now, I’m officially off the squad, so humblest apologies to you all who’d put a wager on me conquering the mountain in record time… an sticking me flag pole in her before any of the others….. I am of course extremely gutted and proper disappointed to now not be able to do it, as I was sooooooooooooooooo looking forward to that experience of a lifetime, reaching the summit, hands on me hips ala Johnny Bravo, an shouting those famous words at the top of me voice….
“look at me ma, I’m on top of the world”
(Mickey Rooney…… Wayne’s step dad, you can see the similarity if you look closely)
you cannot imagine how hard a decision it was for me, as I know I was letting you all down and the sole searching I had to do before I accepted the offer…. but comes a point when CSA, HMRC and my store card at 99p shop has to be cleared…. so I apologize profusely to you all and please Please PLEASE accept my humblest groveling kowtowing to each an every 1 of you… (especially Ed’s wife)
I am though, STILL continuing in aiding and abetting team Geestor towards achieving greatness on July 3rd, as the 4 of them continue onwards and upwards without me… an please make sure you continue on donating to the cause, as all the money raised (every single penny) will STILL be going to a GREAT AND WORTHY cause….
lest we not forget the reason we be doing this in the first place my people…
my short hairy m8, mr BBC Nestor himself…. diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma in 2007….
6 months of chemo…. months of regular tests later… conquered the big ‘C’ an vows to do all he can for those that are less fortunate…. whilst raising bags of money and awareness…
hence we’re aiming to raise £40’000 for 4 more than worthy charities…
(check: geestor.co.uk/silimanjaro for all necessary information please)
my only nightmare now is, I now won’t be able to say I spent many a night, in a tent, up a mountain, snuggled up close, with Mrs Nestor!!!!!!!!!
(an the rest of the team of course)
Brokeback Mountain styleeeeeee…
don’t worry though… I’m still hitting the gym on a regular, getting fit, an losing weight whilst doing my bit… BECA– USE…..
as a mark of me repaying my debt to all who hath entrusted their faith in me….an in an attempt to show sincerity of my apology to my fellow climbers and you the loving supporters….
i ‘Robbie Gee’ am placing myself at the mercy of y’all….
upon my fellow climbers safe return I shall be put to the sword and undertake a mission of your choosing… I’m putting my fate in your hands for you to decide a suitable challenge for me to undertake as my penance…
yep… A FORFEIT…. an than my darlings is all up to you lot….. be kind my sweets… (Drat Drat and Double Drat)

Part 7

Part 6 

Ladies and Gentlemen, they’re probably the (either or) nations / counties most lovable unsung comedy duo, touring the globe, covering miles and miles, frequenting numerous towns and post codes where even your postman daren’t deliver to…
well did you know they’ve even starred in the movies ‘Snatch’ / ‘Train Spotting’ / ‘Mean Machine’ / ‘Underworld’ ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ and plenty more…
with TV credits including Desmond’s / Casualty / Eastenders / The Real McCoy to name but a few, an let us not even mention the boards they’ve tread and Theatre’s they’ve performed in, an of course, not forgetting the ‘Stars’ that they’ve worked with… as if we did that, we could very well be here all week….
they are of course, Robbie Gee and Eddie Nestor, the (troublesome, mischievous, madcapp twins, find a word, lickle black boys, gruesome twosome) who have been performing together now for many many many years… even though they’re both only 30 years old…
now as much as they’re both used to performing a variety of roles, they are about to take on the toughest role of their lives…
that of climbing 1 of the highest mountains in the world….
MOUNT KILIMANJARO….
that’s right, Africa’s tallest mountain, all 5895 meters of it…
that’s nearly 4 miles… an all that walking whilst experiencing sun, rain, snow, thunderstorms and lightening, an of course, less we not forget, a vertical incline of
“ouch I think I’ve pulled something”…
“I wanna go back down now”
“NO, i’m not crying, it’s just my eyes are leaking”
and not forgetting
“why oh why didn’t I take the blue pill”
an here’s the tough part, they’re doing it for charity, an not even just for 1.. for FOUR!!!!!!!!!
their aim : to raise £100’000…
their task : to do it in ? days… (how many fekkking days, cos literature don’t say 10)
their mission : to not suffer from frost bite, brokeback-manjiro or piles…
their request : YOU support them and pledge loads of money for their cause… PLEASE!!!!!!

then the rest I reckon…..

Gee Whizz…

Part 5

Look what I got today then…..

the great Arsene Wenger himself assured me that it’s fine to take it, as he is GUARANTEED it will be replaced this season with the Barclays Premier League trophy this season…
so people of London, people of Birmingham, people of Manchester Liverpool and even Tottenham… (ahhhh shut up, it’s all for charity innit) Listen people of the World Wide Web
get your teams of 8 together an email: [email protected] to register for this Sunday 5th October 2014 Over 40’s Charity 5-a-side Football Tournament… 11am Kick Off…
London Soccer Dome, Greenwich Peninsular, SE10 0JF (opposite o2)
8 players per squad…
£80 per team…
every single £ goes to charity….
African Caribbean Leukaemia Trust www.aclt.org
Macmillan Cancer Support www.macmillan.org.uk
Rudolph Walker Foundation www.rudolphwalkerfoundation.com
Urban Synergy www.urbansynergy.com
it’s all for a great cause an will be a great day out for the family….
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE….
#DoSomethingBRILLIANT…

Part 4

So here’s the thing you see…..

You lot seem to think I ain’t got nuttin else to do wid my days apart from sitting around blogging an blogging and blogging….

Well…. NEWSFLASH…… I DO…. an today would you believe it my lovely people, I had to take stock of things an make time for a little rest an a cuppa tea, wiv couple bourbon biscuits (oh shut up, they’re like marmite innit, luv em or leave em) Anyway, I now have a new task and drive to focus on….wait for it….WAIT FOR IT…

I’M CLIMBING UP A MOUNTAIN MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN……..Kilimanjaro!!!!!!

Yep, that’s right… Me, de Short guy, his Wife, our Manager, the Trainer and a pack of huskies…

“How you mean, they don’t have huskies?” an what “It’s all just make believe”

“But I see it in the movie ‘Snowdogs’ with Cuba Gooding Jnr”….

“He had a whole fleet of them, an a white duck down puffa wid furr an even a whip”… “Nooooooo, not a furr whip, that’s another film”

Let me tell you something, if you expect me to climb all the way up that there mountain without any huskies, an no puffa jacket to make me look like 007, then it better be a St Bernard’s brandy brandishing dog like the 1 in the Hamlet adverts that comes with me…

(Noooooooooooo, not the Dulux dog, what good would a selection of paint be 20,000 feet up a frigggging mountain)… I’m climbing it, not decorating it…

so here we go then, here are the important ‘need to know’ facts…

July 3rd 2015

10 days

(6 days going up & 4 days coming down) raising money for :

Macmillan Cancer, ACLT, Urban Synergy & The Rudolph Walker Foundation….

our aim : £100,000

Now I gotta be honest, after travelling up it for 6 whole days, I might just run down da damn thing in 1 day, especially given I’d have been away from South London for near on a week by now, an you know what we Souf Lundoners can get like if we haven’t had to sit in traffic on the south circular or heard a car alarm going off every 30 seconds… we get withdrawal symptoms an all that innit…

Sooooooooooooooooooooooo people of the World Wide Web, the number 1 priority at this present moment is to shed bundles of weight, prepare the lungs for the sudden altitude change, an lastly to get fit as a fiddle an get the washboard stomach toned an ripplesk like all the other true athletes…..

(of course, I’m not talking about myself here, I’m referring to the short 1… aka..Mr BBC) an anybody who knows anything about anything, knows that it’s a lot harder to lose weight at his age… although he’s only a year older than me at 31, I’m a finely tuned athlete an always have been for the past 30 years so I’m just gonna maintain my healthy eating ways, an just keep doing what I’ve always done….

An my advice to you lovely people is, if you see ‘Mr BBC’ lurking around the famous bakery (gotta be careful of advertising here) put it like this, it start with a ‘G’ an bit like the mobile network, it’s got 3G’s in its name in total….

So, if you do see Mr BBC lurking around and about at 1 of its many branches, at approx 4pm (that’s when the jam doughnuts go from 1 for 55p, to 4 for £1) He don’t arf love a bargin does our ‘Mr BBC’…. an he really really REALLY does love a jam doughnut….

Do you know as a lickle child growing up in the heart of Hackney, he used to enter competitions, on a regular basis, to see if it was possible to eat a single jam doughnut, sugar and jam all over the place obviously…but all had to be consumed without him licking his lips….

At last count, his record was a box of 24….an all in 1 sitting….. the greedy lickle fekkkkkkkkka..

Anyway you lovely people, the aim is to raise £100,000 for charity so along the way we’ll be hosting shows, taking part in sporting events, donning costumes, an various other fetes, loads of other things… backing, supporting an basically collecting as much sponsorship an as possible along the way from now till the actual climb itself…

PLEASE HELP (US) ME……. I’m gonna need it!!!!!!!!!

First 1……

Sunday 5th October….

London Soccer Dome (formerly David Beckham Academy) SE10 0 JF Charity 5-A-Side Football Tournament for the OVER 40’s

8 players per team

£80 per team

11am Kick Off

Round up your teams ASAP….

More information to follow…

Remember EVERY SINGLE £ GOES TO CHARITY!!!!!!!!!!!

In the mean time, marvel at me in my prime when I played for England in the World Cup…

Part 3

Part 2

Part 1

Firstly, welcome 1 and all… second, strap in and stow away your tray tables an put your seats in the upright position, this is gonna be a rather turbulent journey…

if not now, then at some point before we land….

Soooooooooooooooooooo…..

let me set the scene for those of you that aren’t familiar with things…

I can see Mistri (DJ) is behind the decks…

Pharrell Williams ‘Happy’ is thumping out thru the set….

there’s a 6ft perimeter between myself and the paying public….

I spot a ‘red head’ in my line of sight (she’s ginger but let’s keep it PC)…

I spin an look behind me for my side kick and the agent, who have now distanced themselves from me, and are standing still… either that or they’ve pressed their ‘Tomorrow People’ belt and are in mid transportion (I know there’s no such word but just stay with me yeah)

I then turn back to face the baying crowd and paying public, when I suddenly begin to recognize faces amongst them in midst of my 90 degree head turn…

m8’s from football… grinning like they just dodged a red card…

old school friends, beaming like the pips had gone an it wasn’t yet 3.35pm….

even a couple ex-girlfriends SMILING at me, proper smiling like all was forgiven…..

that’s when it hit me….

not only were they all frozen in this melee state in my mind, they were all staring at me as if I was not only the messiah an about to pass on valuable words of wisdom, or better still, the winning numbers for £8million rollover that week…

it was as if they were almost expectant of a miracle….

an then it hit me, this weren’t no ‘gig’ as stated by the agent….

this weren’t no game show that I needed a sack full of prizes for competing contestants, as directed by me side kick….

this was something far worse an then some….

 I HAD BEEN DUPED!!!!!!!!!!!

It was my 29th birthday in 3hours 25minutes an these here folks had all colluded together an schemed and schemed an managed to surprise me…..

THE FEKKKKKKKKKKKKKERRRRRRRSSSSSSS……

an let me just say, when you start to leak water from your eyes ladies and gentlemen, an your nostrils decide to release all manor of snot an debris…

This is NOT the time you relish having your photo taken….

people hugging you an wishing you well….

an definitely not your own mudda and farda asking you “what you crying for?”

but I managed to make it thru (courtesy of somebody handing me a handkerchief) despite it resembling something he purchased in ‘Woolworths’

I kid you not, it was white but off white grey, an the folds were thick black, which can only mean it had gone from his school jacket, to his church sports jacket, to his Farah’s…… an now he was still using it….

ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY…… it served a purpose…..

without going on further, amongst all the wonderful cards, presents, bottles of champagne, etc etc etcetera……

1 of you fekkkkkkkkkkkkkkers gave me a £1 scratch card….

of all the cheap skates an tight fisted low life’s…. you had to be my friend….